Sunday, December 20, 2009

Avatarded


"Every living thing that crawls, flies, or squats in the mud wants to kill you and eat your eyes for jujubes." - Col. Quaritch

Avatar is estimated to have pulled in about $73M domestically over the weekend. That's not bad, but considering how much it cost, anywhere from 300M to 500M, it's not exactly great. That's probably partly to do with how uninspired it seems to be. Admittedly, the CGI is pretty damn great and the 3D is incredible. I mean that in a technical sense, as its used in a more subtle fashion than the usual poke things out at you.

But, one of the main criticisms is that it ultimately tells an incredibly slight and cliched tale. Which isn't altogether untrue. It's FernGully with some Dances with Wolves mixed in. It's rather unsophisticated and everyone's playing an archetype rather than a character. So you basically have the evil human corporations and para-military killfuckers that need to mine a mineral to either earn a profit or power the human empire. In order to accomplish this they decide to killfuck the hell out of the Native American/African Na'vi (which is native with ET taken out). The Na'vi of course are alien hippies with a literal connection to nature in their USB port tipped braids. They jam it into the same in animals and trees and shit to command or communicate with them.

Side note, one of the tests of manhood/hunterhood is to claim an ikran (dragon) as a mount. To do this, you wrestle it to the ground and USB-rape it in order to get it to do what you want. Yeah, I had that reaction too. Also, Jake does this twice. He's a serial dragon USB-rapist.

Back on point, you can throw around White Guilt and shit, but it's mainly humans suck and the native alien hippies are awesome. Which, it has been argued, is simplistic and bad because it's such a weak conflict. Here's the thing though, there's not an insignificant amount of people that can't figure out why the humans didn't just bomb the fuck out of the aliens and steal their shit and stuff. So that's why I think for how simplistic the story was, it pretty much had to. The audience is composed of a large percentage of sociopathic morons. If they can't even understand that it's bad to killfuck a population in order to steal their land, then fuck, no wonder movies are so unsophisticated.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra...then your ass gets sent to jail.

Despite what I said previously, GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra was actually pretty good. It was pretty damn moronic, but still delivered on hard PG-13 action and assorted shenanigans. I'm not the biggest GI Joe fanboy, though I do remember the television show fondly. Which makes it sort of odd that there were those complaining about the movie needing to be grimdark. This is a show, after all, that had a crossdressing ninja breakdancer.

Anyway, since the movie did pretty well, and I'm sure that a sequel is already being talked about, so let's talk about what's necessary for the sequel:
>
Five Things the next GI Joe movie needs to have
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1. More Joes - Seeing Jinx in the background was pretty cool. And Brendan Fraser getting some lines as pseudo-new Sgt. Stone was decent, but I want some more. Especially considering that there was an undersea battle and yet, Shipwreck was nowhere to be found. If there's a forest fire in the movie, will they not have Barbecue?

Thus, I am requiring that there be at least two Joes appear that would fit in with the Village People, the Pit is sort of like the YMCA. For example:





















Yes, I'm aware that the Village People only dressed up as sailors for "In the Navy." Work with me people.

2. Radioactive Ninja Fighting a Polar Bear - This isn't that farfetched. There's already a polar bear in the movie, and since ninjas are proven to be badasses, Snake Eyes should fight a polar bear. It's not like it hasn't been done before.




















>
Half of this is already in the first movie. The second movie should be about topping what was done in the first. Thus, glowing ninjas kicking the shit out of an uppity bear.

3. More of the Mummy cast - We already have Brendan Fraser, Arnold Vosloo, and Kevin J. O'Connor, and probably some of the camels. Might I suggest Rachel Weisz as Lady Jaye? And Oded Fehr as Flint?

4. Breakdancing Ninja - Ninjas are badass, but they're also coordinated as hell, despite their tendancy to flip out and kill things. Since we should develop the Snake Eyes character beyond a gimp with ninja skills, he should get some screen time not being the ultimate pervy badass. Especially since he doesn't get to make time with Scarlett. Damn that Ripcord.




>

5. More of the Asian - In the background of a scene at the Pit you see someone that is probably Jinx. But, considering that there are two black people with the Joes, I think that there should be at least two of the Asian. Which means, yes, Quick Kick.
>
The John Wayne talking motherfucka, himself.
>


You can't see it, but he's not wearing any shoes. Because Quick Kick doesn't need shoes.
>
His introduction in the cartoon was to walk around the Arctic shirtless and barefoot and then kick Storm Shadow's ass.



GI Joe had something like 200 members to combat COBRA, they didn't need any of them. All they needed was to hire this guy. He would have kicked all of their asses, and then slept with the Baronness. Right after cracking walnuts in his butt cheeks and slapping a lion in the face.
>
That's how badass he is.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Yep, that's about right.

The thing about racism, especially now, is that it tends to be about extremes. The extreme KKK style racism is pretty much an outcast, and the people that follow, even though there are still far too many, are not exactly looked highly upon by society as a whole. On the other side, it's subtle and forced to be in the metaphorical shadows since it wouldn't exactly be looked highly upon by society as a whole. Partly because of ignorance, and partly because you can't exactly show it.

Which means it's kinda hilarious (bad I know) when it shows up in such an obvious manner. Take this recent case:

"More than 60 campers from Northeast Philadelphia were turned away from a private swim club and left to wonder if their race was the reason."

Admittedly, the article's mostly one-sided in terms of a bunch of black kids getting turned away from a private swim club where they had membership. Still, this quote from the club's president just takes the cake.

"There was concern that a lot of kids would change the complexion … and the atmosphere of the club" - John Duesler

I mean seriously? Can you be anymore obvious? I'd think that if you're racist, especially in a situation where it's going to get press, that you'd at least try to hide it. Or if you're not, you wouldn't want to make a stupid mistake and look it.

I have to say that it does tickle me a little how badly it was handled.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Friday, July 3, 2009

America's Promise

Back in the '80s and early '90s we used to have awesome neighborhood video rental places. You'd find all sorts of crap to view, much of the time based on how awesomely bad or badly awesome the cover was. These were the sorts of places where I discovered Robot Jox and Deepstar Six. It's also where I got stuff like Rambo, and Die Hard, though I saw Die Hard 2 on laserdisc. Ah laserdisc, those were the days.

Anyway, back in the day we did have guys like Schwarzenegger and Jet Li, but we also had Stallone and Bruce Willis. We had Seagal and Chuck "The Beard" Norris. In other word, men's men. American men starring in the greatest action movies ever. Seriously, Invasion USA will put hair on your chest.

So what the fuck happened? Now all the heir apparents to the manly men of American action movies are coming from other places that aren't America. Sure, I got a lot of love for Tony "I will break your face on my knee" Jaa and Jason "Crank 2" Statham. But where's the next big American action star? Christian Bale? Not American. Sam Worthington? Not American.

Shia "Fucking" Labeouf. Seriously, he was just in what I imagine was the top grossing action movie of the year, and he's the guy that gets killed in movies so you know that the shit just got real. I mean seriously. Remember Orlando Bloom? Remember how much of a travesty it was that Eric Bana's character in Troy got killed for his ass?

What happened to real American action heroes? GI Joe doesn't count, because it looks moronically stupid. Sorry Tatum.

It's like America has developed a generation of pussies. Where kids no longer get into fist fights at school. Bullies have free reign as long as they don't get caught. The kids that should just get fed up and throw a punch now just fester until they bring guns to school. When alcoholism and beating on your kids is no longer acceptable behavior, you develop a generation of pussies instead of men. If we're supposed to be the world's cowboys, then why the hell are our leading men all a bunch of little bitches?

















And that's why we have Shia "Fucking" Labeouf as the "action hero." And why the girls all dig Zack Efron.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Damn Right.

Do you know why this is awesome?




Because Winston was always the most awesome ghostbuster.














That's why.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

It's your own fault now.

I understand that language is highly fluid. And that in terms of racial language, or racist terminology would was okay in the past isn't okay now. Or that some terms are appropriated by a race, but can't/shouldn't be used by others. But, there's also just asking for trouble.

Gazprom and Nigeria's NNPC are going to invest in joint venture energy concern in Nigeria. It's to be called...Nigaz.

Of all the names, this is the one that had to be chosen. Admittedly, it's probably something like NIgeria GAZprom. Still, this is not making it easier for the rest of us. Thanks Nigeria. In addition to your hundreds of princes in need of monetary support, you gots to play a guy like this.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better

Remember rap? Or hip-hop? Admittedly I was never too into that scene, sorry AP yellow parka wearing douchebags, you were always losers. And taking pride in your race will never make you not a loser. Your parents drop you into a house by yourselves with no supervision because they're still back in Asia and you occupy your time trying to act hard and gangsta? You were richer than I was motherfucker, what kind of hustling did you ever have to do? Fuck you. And fuck you Dat Phan, just because.

Remember how rap used to be edgy and cool? How the blacks, or African-Americans, to not be offensive, made this "Against the Man" music that was different from what the mainstream was listening to. It really spoke to those downtrodden, I imagine typically urban, kids, that's what I get from one of VH1's documentaries at least. Anyway, the kids weren't necessarily black, but let's face it, how many white rappers were there in the early days? And Beastie Boys don't count. They started as a punk group.

And, they're Jewish.

Anyway, rap has become like a big fuck you to black people. No really. What's one of the most popular rap/hip-hop songs right now? "I Love College."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xt6t5TTuk5Q

Yeah, instead of talking of hustling, how life be all hard and shit, and/or pimping, rap is now about how awesome college is. Because it is. Sex and booze and drugs (weed only), but with people that actually can put themselves together long enough to make a noon class. To be fair, that shit ain't easy.

Oh, and the video has a scene with beer pong in it.

It's like the Man took all the gritty and hard aspects of rap and hip-hop and turned it on its head as a big FU to black people. Know how the main consumers are surbuban white kids? Yeah, this is the next step. Suburban white kids making rap. Rap is now safe.

And this guy is the face of it:

































I'm not black nor white, but I am sorry. I am so very sorry. For you black people.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

The Chinese Martin Riggs

I know this is old. But, let it never be said that Asians are pussies.

Chen Fuchao, a man heavily in debt, had been contemplating suicide on a bridge in southern China for hours when a passer-by came up, shook his hand — and pushed him off the ledge.

If you're contemplating suicide, we take you seriously. And if you decide to try to be a bitch about it, that won't do. At all.

"I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their action
violates a lot of public interest," Lai was quoted as saying by Xinhua.


That's how it goes. Don't be selfish by not jumping your own self.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Sucks to your ass-mar.

According to UCI, which I don't know, at least it's not UC Merced, has discovered Whitey isn't down with Asian Men.

Look, I know that THE HANGOVER is coming out, and Ken Jeong is perhaps less than magnificently well-endowed, but that shouldn't cross over to all Asians. Besides, maybe he's a grower, and not a shower.














I do kinda wonder about discrimination in terms of men over the race of women they date. I mean, exactly what questions are they asking? 'Cause all I know is that if I was polled, the race I would pick would be "whatever gets me laid."

Fuck race. Literally.

Ironically, that makes me both enlightened and not enlightened at the same time. How's that for the advancement of the species? To quote, "Asian American men are the least preferred mate for Caucasian women." For the record, the majority of the women that I have dated have been white. I think of it as my way of sticking it to the (wo)Man.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Bangkok Dangerous

Well, if you have to go, I suppose autoerotic asphyxiation with Thai ladyboys* is the badass way to go out. In light of the news of David "Poon Dong" Carradine's alleged suicide in Thailand, let this be a lesson for us all.




















Always, but always, use a spotter.

*Allegedly

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Squash It.

Last month a couple of kids at Covina High were arrested for planning capping some people and for bringing guns on campus, in addition to stealing the guns in the first place. Luckily it was just for the planning as opposed to the actual capping.

What's even worse? "Covina High students knew their classmates brought guns to school at least three times but failed to tell teachers or administrators, the school's principal said Friday."

Yeah, people actually knew, but decided it was best to not tell anyone. Because if there's one thing that's worse than kids getting killed, it's snitching. Morons.

I guess they never watched Family Matters.



Or maybe they were all listening to the prophet Riley Freeman.
















To boil it down, snitches are bitches.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

No Shit, Sherlock.

I have quite a few DVD's, all acquired legally. I know that there's some stuff, disclaimers and the like, that are shown in front of the movie on them. It's fast and it's probably a CYA type of thing. I'm fine with that.

However, this annoys the hell out of me:









Seriously? I already legally bought the freakin' DVD. You're going to lecture me on not pirating movies or buying pirated movies? That's damned patronizing, movie studios.

How about a thank you for buying it legally and giving you money instead?

In truth, I think that the Somali pirates that are hijacking vessels and ransoming off the crew need this message more than me.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Thank You, Reuters

"Omgomg! my fans rock! the movie is doing great you guys!" Cyrus, 16, said in a Twitter message, using the "omg" acronym as shorthand for "Oh my God."

Thanks for that insightful explanation. I just wonder if that was added by the editor, of if it was the writer that put that in. I don't know what's worse, that "omg" exists, or that it needs to be explained in a Reuters article.

Friday, April 3, 2009

You're confusing enough as it is.

I think there should be a moratorium on women using the term "girlfriend." I don't mean that they shouldn't have friends that are girls, but it just makes it confusing. I mean, I really don't want to have to buy you drinks and listen to you drabble on about how one of your girlfriends did this or that, and then find out that you're a "little bit gay" and that the real reason you were in the bathroom so long wasn't because that's what girls do, but because you were giving your real phone number to the woman in the stall next to you, and I get the fake one. Yeah, I sent in a ringer, so I know what really went on. What of it? That's why women as wingmen help by the way.

Just keep it clear. If you really need to talk about a friend, she's a friend. If she's a girlfriend, it should mean you're gay. I mean, what are the chances that I have to hit on the lesbian in a freakin' Western bar? I mean, I know about Brokeback and all that, but c'mon what are the odds? If I have to be the minority in there, that should be enough.

You're hard enough to understand as it is. I don't need the English language mucking things up for me.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The kids in England know how it's done.

This is probably one of the most awesome Google Earth pranks in the history of Google Earth pranks. What makes it more awesome? The prim and proper use of English in the article.

http://www.news.com.au/adelaidenow/story/0,22606,25239846-5006301,00.html

I do have to say though, that that is a horrible rendition. Kid should have been able to do better.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

I love you, Japan

I'm inclined to think that the racist imagery in Resident Evil 5 is borne out of ignorance rather than sheer malice. I mean, it's a multi-million dollar company making a video game that's supposed to be sold in many countries, among them the United States. I don't think that the average multi-national company would intentionally attempt that to make a point about Africa in a malicious way.

In other words, it's just Japan.

This too, is also just Japan. Those whacky guys.


























I notice that they stuck with "white" Jesus as opposed to Jewish Jesus or black Jesus. Then again, it's better than Aryan Jesus I suppose.

Oh, and for the title question? I'm pretty sure he's here to *Spoiler Alert* save the world.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Why Star Trek XI Will Rock

Because one of the Asian gets to induct James Tiberius Kirk into the Nation's Punched.














Probably should have ripped his shirt first.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Slightly inebriated in Hermosa

I'm in Hermosa and I guess I didn't get the memo that St. Patrick's Day started three days early. Which means that the streets are filled with white people in green. I'm pretty sure they're not all Irish, and just using this as an excuse to drink. That's bullshit. You shouldn't need an excuse to drink; and you're a loser if you do. I may be alcoholic, but at least I'm an honest alcoholic.

It's an embarrassment. Do these D-bags drink on every ethnic holiday using it as an excuse? Cinco de Mayo? Si. Martin Luther King Jr. Day? I bet these guys pour a forty in the gutter for their fallen homie.

Fuck these guys. If you're ambiguously white, be ambiguously white. Don't try to be the Koreans of Europe.  They got it tough enough as it without your pasty douche ass.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I used to live by one, that gives me cred

I used to live by a Ranch 99. For those that don't know, that's an Asian supermarket. Since it was so close, I tended to go grocery shopping there (lazy and poor). Anyway, all the time that I was there, I've never seen anybody white shop there. Or rather, I've never seen anybody bring their white kids in there. At times there would be a few white folks, but they tended to be elderly. Not that it would be inappropriate for the whites to go in there, but they'd all go to the PW down the street, or the Costco across the street. Seriously, totally not making that up.

Anyway, this is hilarious:



Honestly, what the hell? Chinese commercial in Chinese, and the "romantic interest" is played by a white dude? Seriously? I have no problem with white guys with Asian chicks, but I find it kinda odd that it would be the default for a freaking commerical for Chinese people. More so that it's forced since I've never seen a white kid in an Asian grocery store. They randomly bump into each other in the store? Utter nonsense. That's some major game playin' there.

And it ends with, "captures authentic Asian flavor." Yeah, I bet you do 8 year old white boy. Probably went to med school and everything; only reason why her mom would let this relationship fly. Just sayin'.

Pinkerton Syndrome. Just sayin'.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Who Watches?

I wouldn't say that I've been following the Watchmen production closely, but I've been keeping track when things happened. While it just came out today, the opening credit sequence has been uploaded by yU+Co, the company that did them. Around five and a half minutes long, it's one of the most impressive sequences I've seen in a long time. All the details are right, although some stuff is literal as opposed to implied as in the original comics.

As this is The Asian Americanist, one of the writers of the script is Alex Tse (who is Asian):


Though he didn't have a lot of credits to his name, he did have a good relationship with Warner Bros. Some hard work and a little luck, and he was able to get to write the thing. Which is also cool, although it doesn't really matter if he's Asian-American or not.

If it's a good script, then they got the right guy. If not, then they didn't. But, it works like that for most movies I'd imagine.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

What time is it?

Today I will be blogging about those people who love to talk about themselves and hold no conversational skills. I like to call these people "People who tell you how to build a clock instead of just telling you the time." Like when I ask you (you as in you are just an acquaintance or someone I need to do obligatory talk with) how was your weekend, I only want to know if something extraordinary happened. Like if you met the Dalai Lama, I want to know that. If you won the lottery, okay cool, that is nice to know too. What I don't want to hear is inane, mundane, nonsense talk, nor do I want to hear you break down every day of the weekend and tell me what you did on each day.

For example, I don't want to hear "So Friday night I went out with my girlfriends because it was girlfriend night out. We watched "Sleepless in Seattle," cracked open a new bottle of wine I have been saving up and ate mushroom tartes. Then I went to bed like at 1:30am and woke up on Saturday to make some pancakes. After I had pancakes, I went for a little jog on this new trail my friend told me about. That was tiring and I had to shower afterwards. Since I had some time left over, I straightened my hair. I know, I was feeling crazy right?"

Oh my fucking god, are you kidding me? Like just say I hung out. I don't friggin care. That was the most boring story I heard in my life and if that was exciting for you and you thought it was worthy enough to take 10 minutes to tell me, you really need some basic social skills 101. Now, don't say "well then if you don't care, don't ask." No, hey dick, how about you are just boring and don't know how to tell a funny story. I don't think most people understand how boring they are. If you are funny, you can tell that above story and be make me laugh. If you are that funny person, you are probably my friend. Just say "My wknd was uneventful, I would have rather sucked donkey balls." See? That tells me you did something boring, like described above and you are considerate enough not to bore me with it.

Also, there are people who just ask questions because they only want you to ask them back so they can talk both of your ears off. They will say "what did you do this wknd" and I will say "not much" and then they go off "oh well this is what I did" (see boring story above). God, why can't people just get a clue?

Then there are people who are just as boring as a brick wall and have no conversational skills (this applies to many Asians because they tend to be socially awkward). If you ask them, "so where did you grow up," they say "LA." WOW REALLY? Do you have any skills? This is when you say "Oh LA, how about you?" This is how you hold conversations people.

I also abhor people who only like to talk when it is something they are interested in, and if they aren't, they get really irritated because they can't open their Chatty Cathy lips. Like really, people, including myself, are not all that interesting so don't think that you are and that the rest of the world wants to hear about your stupid, irrelevant life.

Having a conversation with people, does not mean it is an open forum for YOU to unzip your lips and talk about how you made vegetable soup this weekend.

Coming to America

The California Supreme Court is currently weighing on the ban on same-sex marriages created by the passing of Proposition 8. Now, there's a legal process and all, and if one believes the system works, then we would need to let it play out. That's not to say that people shouldn't speak out, but one hopes that the Courts play it the right way.

As for me, if this is wrong:


then I don't want to be right.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Yo Tengo Hambre

Who knew triangles and squares could have so much fun?

Ken Leung was in X-Men: The Last Stand

It should be a surprise to nobody, but a new X-Men movie comes out this May. Once again shafting Cyclops, the movie will focus on Wolverine, who is like the Wolverine of the X-Men franchise. Mining the source material in ways other movies have not, this one will feature a host of characters both known, obscure, and even some fan-favorites.

Casting has been a mixed bag from the favored fan-casting of Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool to inspired casting like Liev Schreiber as Sabertooth. What is most odd, and in something of a complete reversal of bitching that many Asian-Americans have in regards to the entertainment industry, Daniel Henney will play Agent Zero.

In other words:


























will play
























who used to look like this (I don't draw this stuff):



















who is East German.

For those that get uppity about this sort of thing, it means that a comic book character that is East German is being played by a (half) Asian (Korean) actor. Because race doesn't matter in this case. It's like the Kingpin being played by Michael Clarke Duncan, only without black people.

I just wanted to mention this because while there is still Hollywood stuff to be righteously angry about, it's not all bad. Then again for those that do bitch, I expect them to have thoroughly researched the origins of a character that wears yellow armor and has way too many straps and pouches. If you're going to throw up examples, you should at least know about them more than a simple google search will give you.

I mean, you only started to care about Avatar when white people started to get cast in it so that you could get pissed off about something? That's actually a little lame, noble, but lame.

Personally, I got a little giddy that Scott Adkins is going to be in the movie.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

People who skimp on tip and tax when eating in large groups...yeah you know who you are

This will talk about two groups of obnoxious cheap people. Those who skimp on tax and tip when eating in large groups and it is dutch pay and those who take advantage of the situation when they know that the bill will be split equally amongst everyone there so they go all Dirty Harry buck wild with ordering the most expensive thing on the menu.

Let me talk about the first group of people who are tight fisted with the cash. When it is dutch pay, and for example, they order a meal and it is 9.95, and the bill comes, they put in 11 dollars. Hey motherfucker, that 11 dollars doesn't cover the tax and tip. You should generously put in at least 14-15 dollars. Don't think that I don't know who you are. So when the bill comes, some fool (usually me) ends up having to put in the extra dollars to cover that cheap bastard's refusal to put in the extra few bucks. Of course, when it is decided ahead of time that the bill will just be split equally amongst the number of people, there is always that one whiny little bitch who says "oh, but I didn't order a soda." You know what fucker, do you want some wine with that cheese? Oh, but I don't seem to remember you having a hard time eating some of my guacamole but you didn't order a soda, so you don't want to pay for that...right......? So fuck you to that cheap bastard who always whines like a little baby whose dirty diaper needs to be changed that they think that isn't fair. Oh god, there are little 5 year old Chinese kids who stitched that jacket you are wearing for 5 cents/hour and yet here you are, having a mass internal hernia because you don't want to split it equally because you didn't order a coke. What so you don't want to chip in the extra few bucks? So what are you going to do with those extra few bucks huh? Go back to your rented apartment and think that saved you enough to put a down payment on a house? So you have a little bitch hissy fit so we all grumble and go fine, and we whip out our little calculators on our cell phone where the key pads are so small we have to keep redoing the math which ends up wasting all of our times because you insist on paying dutch when the bill came out to $50 bucks and there are 5 people. Wow, instead of just being easy and being like hey everyone pay just 12 bucks, you want us to waste our time, so you can just put in your little fair share of 9 bucks. WOW, you saved yourself 3 bucks!!! Now you can go home and wipe your ass with those 3 bucks.

Then there are those tricky little bastards who know that it was established from the beginning that the bill will just be split equally amongst everyone there. Okay fine I have no problem with that because it just makes it easier on everyone. BUT I do have a problem with it when you take advantage of the situation and order the MOST EXPENSIVE thing on the menu because you know inevitably all those unfortunate souls around you will have to go in extra on the shrimp and lobster extravaganza plate you just ordered. Then, they go balls to the wall with ordering the alcoholic drinks. Not only do you (yeah you know who you are) just order beer but you get all crazzzzzy and order like the nutty house special drinks that are all colors of the rainbow. So you gulp them down, one after the other like there is no tomorrow. Then when the bill comes, you (yeah the person who is guilty of this is usually the one who takes charge and says all loudly, "I think we should just split this evenly amongst everyone here" because of course you want everyone to go in on your seafood plate your just ordered) get all giddy inside because you're like "Yes, I just ordered seafood enchiladas and five cocktails and am only paying 20 dollars" while I am sitting at the table bitterly paying 20 bucks for the 2 taco plate I ordered that cost 7.95 on the plate. All I have to say to those people who do this, you are such an asshole.

P.S. - If you are Korean, there is no excuse for being either of the two described above. God.

No, I'm Not Required to Like Ang Lee's Movies

I once took a film class in college that focused on Asian films. Which meant that I had to see the majority of Ang Lee's films, up to that point in time. Which meant that I saw Pushing Hands, The Wedding Banquet, Eat Drink Man Woman, The Ice Storm, Ride with the Devil, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Since then, I've also seen The Hulk, and Chosen, which was his short for The Hire short film series for BMW.

Which means I haven't seen Sense and Sensibility, Brokeback Mountain, and Lust, Caution. That said, I think that I've seen enough of the movies that he's directed to be able to form an opinion on his work. In light of the nature of this blog, I'll focus on his movies that focus on Asians. By which I mean, star Asians, which is good and all, but not the point here.
















I think they were well-made movies that may speak to the Asian/American experience in a number of ways. Well-made meaning he functions well as a director. I still didn't particularly like the movies that much. While I'm sure that there is a jarring transition for an immigrant to have to move to the United States, as well as the generational conflict, I just couldn't get into Pushing Hands that much. Not to get too detailed, I can speak to some experience with this. The point is that while it is an intimate portrayal of a family's struggle, there isn't necessarily a universal Asian truth in this. Nor should there be one.

Maybe it's backlash, but no, this movie does not speak to my experience. Even with grandparents that come to visit and can stay for quite a while. And I should not be expected to connect to the film as if there was some universal Asian truth to it, as if they/we were all the same.

As for The Wedding Banquet, well I seriously question the underlying assumption that being gay in the film is somehow wrong. So the main character, in order to protect his parents' sensibilities marries a woman, instead of coming out that he's gay and in a committed relationship. Now yes, there's a generation gap, and yes I do think that respect for parents is important, but if they're homophobes, that's their fucking problem. Not (looking up in imdb) Wei Tung's. Okay, it was 1993, but still, I'm told that even then, the gays were here, they were queer, and I believe we were instructed to get used to it. Being old is no excuse for being bigoted, even if it's perhaps a less violent form. This isn't Lakeview Terrace now. So, thanks a lot Ang Lee for portraying the older generation of Asians as homophobic, and the newer generation of Asian-Americans as pussies unwilling to buck Asian tradition for what's right.

Or maybe it's just these particular ones. Depending on if you think Ang Lee's films are supposed to speak to some sort of Asian or Asian-American truthiness.

I didn't have any real objections to Eat Drink Man Woman (aka the other Tortilla Soup), mainly because I can't really remember it that much.

Which leads me to the movie that perhaps catapulted him to widespread public awareness, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I'm not going to argue about how it was shot or choreographed, even if I did have to analyze a scene in shot by shot detail for class. There is an ambiguity to the characters so that we were to believe that Jen Yu is more than a self-centered brat. Now, maybe this is the Americanist side of my Asian-Americanist perspective coming out, but there was a failing in that. To me at least. I never bought it and never felt real sympathy for her causing a good deal of the shit that happens because she screws up. Yeah, beat up a bunch of guys in a bar, I'm sure they all totally deserved it because you want to be all emo and everything. Do you think she listens to Dashboard Confessional played on the erhu too?

And while Li Mu-bai and Yu Shu-lien may have had some type of warrior wuxia code, they would have been much happier ignoring that, especially since Li was planning on retiring anyways.

Yes, this is in the source material presumably, so I can't completely blame Ang Lee, but still, the tragedy of this film/book comes from the characters inability to deal with their issues and/or get over themselves. It's historical, but this doesn't exactly speak to me as some grand statement on "Asianness."

Oh, and the events of Iron Knight, Silver Vase, makes Jen Yu's character come off even worse for me. Thanks for nothing Crane-Iron Pentalogy.

My point? Just because Ang Lee is Asian and makes movies about Asians, doesn't mean that they have to speak to me as an Asian-American. And, the other Asians that were in my class, don't be so surprised that I felt that way. I grew up in the Bay Area, and while I grew up on a steady diet of Jackie Chan and Jet Li movies, it doesn't mean that there is some grand Asian message that I buy in Ang Lee's movies. More importantly, it doesn't mean that I have to defend the films nor that I can't criticize them if I don't particularly like the movies.

And despite his race, I don't feel the particular need to promote Ang Lee as if I did like all of his "Asian" films. Just because he's one of my people doesn't mean he's one of my people.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Ultimate Korean Girl

There are Korean girls (like me) and then there are Ultimate Korean Girls (not like me). Now, I am not hating. These are just merely observations through my years of living in Los Angeles discerning between the two. My two best friends are Korean and I love being Korean. I just think we are nonsense sometimes.

You are an Ultimate Korean Girl if you meet most of the criteria below:
  • all your girlfriends are Korean (and I mean every single one of them)
  • you have the K-town accent
  • it is imperative you own at least one (very) high end article of clothing that visibly shows the logo
  • your sunglasses are either Gucci, Chanel or Christian Dior (with the emblem very clearly displayed)
  • you envy other Korean girls who have something you don't (or can't) have
  • Your boyfriend (who is Korean) has bought you a Gucci, Channel, Prada or Christian Dior bag at least once
  • You don't think twice about paying when you are with your boyfriend
  • you are not cheap
  • you are generous
  • you spend ridiculous amounts of money on gifts for your boyfriend (amount that is way beyond your means)
  • you own a BMW or are saving up like nobody's business to own one
  • you won't date a Korean unless they own at least a BMW
  • you have numerous photos of you and your girlfriends at Korean clubs (it's all smoky too in the background because of the cigarette smoke)
  • you smoke cigarettes
  • you wear thick black eyeliner that you tip off at the end (to make it look extra bitchy)
  • you either have chemically treated straight hair or an artificial perm
  • you own about 10 different black pants (they are all strikingly similar)
  • you are most likely shorter than 5'5"
  • going to a Korean club is a must at least once a weekend (going to a white club that is having an Asian night doesn't count as a Korean club either)
  • you drink only soju, crown, patron
  • you look like you are ready to kill any other Korean girl who is at least cuter than you
  • when you see other Korean girls who happen to have white friends, you hate and call them white-washed
  • you have no social skills outside of being with your fellow Ultimate Korean Girlfriends because you don't really know how to communicate with people if they are not Korean
  • you are skinny (can either also be grossly underweight)
  • if you work with non-Koreans, you refuse to befriend them and don't really talk to them other than saying the obligatory "how was your weekend" when you run into them

Korean Christians (or any sect of...)

Top signs that you have truly gotten drunk with the Christian Kool-Aid:
  • If you are female, you got married probably 1-3 years out of college. Male, if you marry a female who is 1-3 years out of college
  • If you are a female, this is most likely your occupation: teacher, some type of social worker, unemployed or work some fruitless irrelevant office job looking at papers all day because quite frankly, your mission on Earth is to just die and go to Heaven, so meaning on this place doesn't mean much to you
  • If you are a male, this is most likely your occupation: unemployed, a cop, enrolled in seminary school (all three of which you moonlight as a youth pastor at some church), you go to the gym a lot because quite frankly, you have lots of time on your hands. Oh, and you have thought about sucking cock at least once in your life because you are most likely a closeted gay and hate yourself immensely for it.
  • Once you get married, you have a kid within the first year or two
  • If you are a female (and married), you are working some irrelevant job (one of the mentioned above) because you are just waiting to get knocked up
  • Before marriage, you definitely had anal sex (because that isn't sex of course), fondling, humping all of which the two of you prayed afterwards for forgiveness and swore you would never do it again
  • all your friends are hardcore Christian as well (and match all the descriptions above)
  • you are most likely unattractive (because if you weren't, you probably wouldn't have turned to religion)
  • under the "favorite book" section on your facebook profile, you always say the Bible at least
  • under the "quotes" section, you most likely listed a verse from Corinthians. If you are really hateful, maybe something from Revelations
  • You fast (but don't really understand it because you think about food/water at least once)
  • You have perfected body worship
  • Have been part of the praise team at least once during your life
  • you voted for Bush the last two terms, and McCain this time (without knowing really why but you had to because they were the only Republican candidates)
  • you hate gay people, oh wait, but you call them homosexuals and if you are really comfortable around your Christian friends, you refer to them as faggots
  • you definitely voted Yes on Prop 8
  • you get extremely uncomfortable in the presence of gay people and do your best to be polite and civil but then you go home to the comfort of your friends and say "let's pray for the homosexuals")
  • At your wedding, you definitely have at least a 20 minute sermon, some photo vignette of some sort with images of you and your friends broomballing, eating pizza at BJ's and some nonsense philanthropic activity that involves you pushing religion on underprivileged kids. Oh, and your wedding is usually crap because you got married too young when you couldn't even afford it, had no alcohol present and most likely served some crap Korean buffet where guests had to stand in line to get their food on paper plates
  • You pray for really idiotic things like: I hope I am not gay, that the Lakers win the next season, pray for the current state of the world (because it sounds nice even though you probably have no clue what is really going on)
  • You went on at least one mission in your life to China, South America or Africa
  • You pray before every meal (come on are you kidding me?)
  • You really think you are actually cool
  • You shun tattoos even though you have your ears pierced
  • You are very boring
  • You have no life even though you think you do
  • Your idea of fun is to go with your friends and grab dinner at Universal City Walk
  • You do circle prayer at least once a week
  • You get squeamish talking about sex (i.e.-at the mere mention of birth control your face turns green)
  • You own a dog (90% of the time it is some runt of a dog like a Chihuahua or some gross mix like that)
  • You secretly resent everyone who is not a Christian because they are actually fun and they had the balls to actually call religion a farce
  • You think there is nothing worse than pre-marital sex, smoking, drinking and being gay
  • You are really boring (oh right, I already said that)
  • If you are married, you and your spouse are probably grotesquely kinky in bed (and feel a little bad about it but you justify it because at least you are married). If you are the husband, you are probably wanting and thinking sex every minute of the day because you are so sexually repressed
  • You wish you were attractive

YASSLA

Having been exposed to Rockville, CA in a reading I had to do in an official capacity (I was forced to read an article), I was moderately interested in seeing it. Having seen the trailer, that moderate interest has fallen, down to less than morbid.



The official description lists it as thus:

Club Rockville is a place where a group of twentysomethings from diverse backgrounds gather regularly to hear their favorite up-and-coming bands, blow off steam, fall in love with the wrong people, and then talk about how they've fallen in love with the wrong people.
The web-based series takes place at a club in LA. One that seems entirely staffed and frequented by white people. I'm not not down with white people, but that's not diverse. Unless, of course, one of them happens to be a quarter Korean and just totally looks white. But, everyone knows that doesn't count.

Now, I know it's Josh Schwartz, so I know that it's going to be white people all the time. But, c'mon, the black guy is the bouncer and doesn't speak? And it's set in LA? I'm sorry, but this isn't the only music club in Avoca, Nebraska after all.

The worst part of it though, is that none of it looks any better than what my friends and I do on the weekends. Only they don't call each other gay as much. Or threaten to rape each other if we B.O.P.O..

Unlucky in love, check. Getting a major burn from talking to a chick, check. Major league douchyness, check. Being the only Asian person* in the group, check.

It's like my life, only with significantly better looking people. And less of a chance of getting anally violated in my sleep. I mean, the writing and cast are completely generic, and while the acting isn't as bad as I've seen it, I've seen my friends say more clever (also creepy) things while inebriated.

Anybody else think that chick with glasses is going to be a fan of Lisa Loeb?

Just because it's cheaper to put on a web-series, doesn't mean you should. Even if you are a professional.

*Technically we had two quarter Koreans, so it was 1.5 Asians.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

1992 LA Riots in Koreatown

Can't remember how I stumbled upon this video... maybe it was all the K-Town talk. And you know me, I'm usually an upbeat kind of guy, but I wanted to share this video from the 1992 LA Riots as a way to appreciate the relative peace we have today, and as a reminder of a time in history that we should not easily forget. For more info: Google "LA Riots" or check out the wikipedia link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1992_Los_Angeles_riots

Here's the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGv87lE-DMY&feature=PlayList&p=5E1AEEEA61C3568C&playnext=1&index=11


Smoking - Mind Your Own Business

I enjoy cigarettes, especially with some alcohol, good company and/or after a protein-heavy meal. For those of you who give me dirty looks and make it a point to do a fake cough and wave your hand back and forth (as if to wave away the smell), f* you.

I remember when I was on a business trip and I lit one up in front of a name-less person who happens to be on the verge of obese, she said "ew, don't go near me," I really wanted to say, "You know what bitch, I didn't say at dinner that you probably should have gone with the salad instead of the cheeseburger" but I didn't right? Because it is none of my business whether your arteries get clogged with fat so it shouldn't be any of your business whether I smoke a cigarette. Would you like it if every time you got a second serving of that chocolate cake, I yelled "Oh I wouldn't do that if I were you, how about a celery stick instead?"

Or once when I met someone who just had about the worst fashion taste ever, and they saw me light up and said "You know that could kill you right" Well, I didn't say, "Well, how about shopping at Nordstrom's next time and not Mervyns?"

If you happen to be that person who makes a big stink when you see someone light up, think about your actions. Because I don't want to hear s* from you unless you are God.

The K-Town Accent

Everybody has heard of different accents like an English or Spanish accent. But has anybody ever noticed the "K-town accent"? If not, if you know a Korean male or female with any of the below characteristics, they will most likely have a K-town accent:
  • Grew up in the LA area (Koreans who grew up in the valley, i.e. Chatsworth, Granada are repeat offenders of the K-town accent)
  • Was born in the States (so they have ABSOLUTELY no reason to have an accent, period. If they came to the States when they were 6+ years and older, they are excused)
  • Goes to Koreatown at least once a weekend to go clubbing (at a Korean club)
  • Smokes cigarettes
  • Only drinks Crown or Patron
  • When you look at their Facebook friends, they don't have a single non-Korean friend, and if they do, he/she is most likely just a work friend
  • REFUSE to befriend non-Koreans (unless they are being pc at the workplace)
  • Definitely own a car whose value is way beyond their means
  • Posts photos on Facebook that only show them at Korean clubs (and there is most likely a Korean in the background smoking)
  • Every other word out of their mouth is "nahhhh" or a cuss word
It is hard to describe this accent but it most resembles a Valley accent. They make each word very short, don't annunciate very clearly, especially the R's and L's. They also tend to make every other word or so, very low in tone (having just a cutesy high-pitched voice is not the K-town accent, she is most likely just a FOB and is trying to be cute). K-town accent-ers also tend to speak fairly fast, most likely always include a "wtf," "oh really" and/or "i was like" in the middle of their sentences.

For example, if I went to a club this weekend and somebody asked me what I did, I would say "I went to this new club with my friends and hung out." A K-town accent-er would most likely answer it like this, "I went to Prince with my girlfriends and they made us pay for valet and I was like, no f* way, WTF?"

If you meet a K-town accent-er, keep an ear out for the way they talk. Of course, if they don't have any of the characteristics above, they most likely will not speak with a K-town accent.

Girls who like to pursue unavailable men

Everybody has known or met at least one girl with one or more of the below traits (I will give further details on each of the traits below):
  • 30+ years old
  • all their other friends are taken (i.e.-in a relationship)
  • Haven't had a relationship in 3-5 years
Watch your back around these type of girls. Everyday they are most likely reminded that they are 30+ years old and still single. I guarantee that they are also getting pressure from family to get married. Given this, they will stop at nothing to get a man, even if they are unavailable. These type of girls are especially dangerous because their biological clock is ticking and most likely, as you read this, several of her eggs have already dried up so they are in a special rush to snag anybody with no regard to whether or not he is even available in the first place, and if he is not, they will stop at nothing to try and sway his mind that she would be better for him than his current significant other.

What surprises me is that most of these girls are either unattractive, have drab office jobs staring at paperwork all day and probably have a personality just short of flatlining. BUT, what surprises me most, is that your significant other actually doesn't see these traits. Doesn't he once take a second to ponder..hmmm...I wonder why this girl is 30+ years old and still single. Like really, don't you take one second to wonder, there must be something wrong with this girl? I mean, if she was THAT GREAT, don't you think she would have been snagged by now? So for you guys out there who seem to get an ego boost from getting attention from these ugly girls, think about for one second, why she is still single and don't come crying back home when she goes Fatal Attraction style on you and boils your rabbit.

As a special message to these girls, if you do keep pursuing unavailable men, get a grip and stop being so desperate. Try online dating or something. But most importantly, I guarantee there is something wrong with you in the first place, because if there wasn't, it wouldn't be so hard for you to find somebody. Go read a self-help book or something. And if you do somehow manage to successfully steal another girl's boyfriend, I hope somebody comes and kicks you in the babymaker. Don't be so desperate and keep continuing to try and pursue a guy who just isn't available. Karma is a bitch.

Moderately Perturbed Asian Man

Since this site wasn't set up until now, this is a little late. By now I'm sure that 35.6% of bloggers have already weighed in on the Miley Cyrus Asian controversy. By which I mean, the fact that someone is suing Miley Cyrus for four BIIIIILLLLIOOOOON dollars. That's like $4,000 per Asian person in LA County.

Although, four thousand dollars buys a lot of Asian porn. Just sayin'.

This is the picture in question:



Now, the whole slanty eyes with the fingers thing is moronic. And, this is no contest because the second guy from the left totally wins at best impression. But, without further context, like say Miley refusing to work with Asians (she worked with Brenda Song), this is less a case of racism as it is Miley being a stupid kid.

Stupid because the thing is dumb and she allowed it to be photographed. And kid because kids rag on each other over anything and everything. Race being an easy target, doesn't make them racist. Hell, I've seen guys rag on each other being gay as much as I've seen the same guys talk about doing other guys. It's what kids do.

Honestly, there are issues that one, Asian or not, should get angry about, but this isn't one of them. Miley Cyrus is being singled out because she's rich (probably not four billion dollars rich though). I mean, it's not like the guy second from the left is getting sued. Lucie J. Kim isn't helping anyone.

I mean, clearly Miley isn't racist towards Asians:



Or else her friends have gotten a lot better at impersonations.