Saturday, August 8, 2009

GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra...then your ass gets sent to jail.

Despite what I said previously, GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra was actually pretty good. It was pretty damn moronic, but still delivered on hard PG-13 action and assorted shenanigans. I'm not the biggest GI Joe fanboy, though I do remember the television show fondly. Which makes it sort of odd that there were those complaining about the movie needing to be grimdark. This is a show, after all, that had a crossdressing ninja breakdancer.

Anyway, since the movie did pretty well, and I'm sure that a sequel is already being talked about, so let's talk about what's necessary for the sequel:
Five Things the next GI Joe movie needs to have
1. More Joes - Seeing Jinx in the background was pretty cool. And Brendan Fraser getting some lines as pseudo-new Sgt. Stone was decent, but I want some more. Especially considering that there was an undersea battle and yet, Shipwreck was nowhere to be found. If there's a forest fire in the movie, will they not have Barbecue?

Thus, I am requiring that there be at least two Joes appear that would fit in with the Village People, the Pit is sort of like the YMCA. For example:

Yes, I'm aware that the Village People only dressed up as sailors for "In the Navy." Work with me people.

2. Radioactive Ninja Fighting a Polar Bear - This isn't that farfetched. There's already a polar bear in the movie, and since ninjas are proven to be badasses, Snake Eyes should fight a polar bear. It's not like it hasn't been done before.

Half of this is already in the first movie. The second movie should be about topping what was done in the first. Thus, glowing ninjas kicking the shit out of an uppity bear.

3. More of the Mummy cast - We already have Brendan Fraser, Arnold Vosloo, and Kevin J. O'Connor, and probably some of the camels. Might I suggest Rachel Weisz as Lady Jaye? And Oded Fehr as Flint?

4. Breakdancing Ninja - Ninjas are badass, but they're also coordinated as hell, despite their tendancy to flip out and kill things. Since we should develop the Snake Eyes character beyond a gimp with ninja skills, he should get some screen time not being the ultimate pervy badass. Especially since he doesn't get to make time with Scarlett. Damn that Ripcord.


5. More of the Asian - In the background of a scene at the Pit you see someone that is probably Jinx. But, considering that there are two black people with the Joes, I think that there should be at least two of the Asian. Which means, yes, Quick Kick.
The John Wayne talking motherfucka, himself.

You can't see it, but he's not wearing any shoes. Because Quick Kick doesn't need shoes.
His introduction in the cartoon was to walk around the Arctic shirtless and barefoot and then kick Storm Shadow's ass.

GI Joe had something like 200 members to combat COBRA, they didn't need any of them. All they needed was to hire this guy. He would have kicked all of their asses, and then slept with the Baronness. Right after cracking walnuts in his butt cheeks and slapping a lion in the face.
That's how badass he is.

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