Ultimate Korean Girl

There are Korean girls (like me) and then there are Ultimate Korean Girls (not like me). Now, I am not hating. These are just merely observations through my years of living in Los Angeles discerning between the two. My two best friends are Korean and I love being Korean. I just think we are nonsense sometimes.

You are an Ultimate Korean Girl if you meet most of the criteria below:

• all your girlfriends are Korean (and I mean every single one of them)
• you have the K-town accent
• it is imperative you own at least one (very) high end article of clothing that visibly shows the logo
• your sunglasses are either Gucci, Chanel or Christian Dior (with the emblem very clearly displayed)
• you envy other Korean girls who have something you don't (or can't) have
• Your boyfriend (who is Korean) has bought you a Gucci, Channel, Prada or Christian Dior bag at least once
• You don't think twice about paying when you are with your boyfriend
• you are not cheap
• you are generous
• you spend ridiculous amounts of money on gifts for your boyfriend (amount that is way beyond your means)
• you own a BMW or are saving up like nobody's business to own one
• you won't date a Korean unless they own at least a BMW
• you have numerous photos of you and your girlfriends at Korean clubs (it's all smoky too in the background because of the cigarette smoke)
• you smoke cigarettes
• you wear thick black eyeliner that you tip off at the end (to make it look extra bitchy)
• you either have chemically treated straight hair or an artificial perm
• you own about 10 different black pants (they are all strikingly similar)
• you are most likely shorter than 5'5"
• going to a Korean club is a must at least once a weekend (going to a white club that is having an Asian night doesn't count as a Korean club either)
• you drink only soju, crown, patron
• you look like you are ready to kill any other Korean girl who is at least cuter than you
• when you see other Korean girls who happen to have white friends, you hate and call them white-washed
• you have no social skills outside of being with your fellow Ultimate Korean Girlfriends because you don't really know how to communicate with people if they are not Korean
• you are skinny (can either also be grossly underweight)
• if you work with non-Koreans, you refuse to befriend them and don't really talk to them other than saying the obligatory "how was your weekend" when you run into them

Korean Christians (or any sect of...)

Top signs that you have truly gotten drunk with the Christian Kool-Aid:

• If you are female, you got married probably 1-3 years out of college. Male, if you marry a female who is 1-3 years out of college
• If you are a female, this is most likely your occupation: teacher, some type of social worker, unemployed or work some fruitless irrelevant office job looking at papers all day because quite frankly, your mission on Earth is to just die and go to Heaven, so meaning on this place doesn't mean much to you
• If you are a male, this is most likely your occupation: unemployed, a cop, enrolled in seminary school (all three of which you moonlight as a youth pastor at some church), you go to the gym a lot because quite frankly, you have lots of time on your hands. Oh, and you have thought about sucking cock at least once in your life because you are most likely a closeted gay and hate yourself immensely for it.
• Once you get married, you have a kid within the first year or two
• If you are a female (and married), you are working some irrelevant job (one of the mentioned above) because you are just waiting to get knocked up
• Before marriage, you definitely had anal sex (because that isn't sex of course), fondling, humping all of which the two of you prayed afterwards for forgiveness and swore you would never do it again
• all your friends are hardcore Christian as well (and match all the descriptions above)
• you are most likely unattractive (because if you weren't, you probably wouldn't have turned to religion)
• under the "favorite book" section on your facebook profile, you always say the Bible at least
• under the "quotes" section, you most likely listed a verse from Corinthians. If you are really hateful, maybe something from Revelations
• You fast (but don't really understand it because you think about food/water at least once)
• You have perfected body worship
• Have been part of the praise team at least once during your life
• you voted for Bush the last two terms, and McCain this time (without knowing really why but you had to because they were the only Republican candidates)
• you hate gay people, oh wait, but you call them homosexuals and if you are really comfortable around your Christian friends, you refer to them as faggots
• you definitely voted Yes on Prop 8
• you get extremely uncomfortable in the presence of gay people and do your best to be polite and civil but then you go home to the comfort of your friends and say "let's pray for the homosexuals")
• At your wedding, you definitely have at least a 20 minute sermon, some photo vignette of some sort with images of you and your friends broomballing, eating pizza at BJ's and some nonsense philanthropic activity that involves you pushing religion on underprivileged kids. Oh, and your wedding is usually crap because you got married too young when you couldn't even afford it, had no alcohol present and most likely served some crap Korean buffet where guests had to stand in line to get their food on paper plates
• You pray for really idiotic things like: I hope I am not gay, that the Lakers win the next season, pray for the current state of the world (because it sounds nice even though you probably have no clue what is really going on)
• You went on at least one mission in your life to China, South America or Africa
• You pray before every meal (come on are you kidding me?)
• You really think you are actually cool
• You shun tattoos even though you have your ears pierced
• You are very boring
• You have no life even though you think you do
• Your idea of fun is to go with your friends and grab dinner at Universal City Walk
• You do circle prayer at least once a week
• You get squeamish talking about sex (i.e.-at the mere mention of birth control your face turns green)
• You own a dog (90% of the time it is some runt of a dog like a Chihuahua or some gross mix like that)
• You secretly resent everyone who is not a Christian because they are actually fun and they had the balls to actually call religion a farce
• You think there is nothing worse than pre-marital sex, smoking, drinking and being gay
• You are really boring (oh right, I already said that)
• If you are married, you and your spouse are probably grotesquely kinky in bed (and feel a little bad about it but you justify it because at least you are married). If you are the husband, you are probably wanting and thinking sex every minute of the day because you are so sexually repressed
• You wish you were attractive