Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Fast, Good, Cheap

For fuck's sake Fox, get it together.

What kind of cheap-ass bullshit is that?

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Arizona, and now Oklahoma. The stupidity is spreading.

Okay, here's the thing. Fuck Oklahoma. Seriously.

Basically, it's now legal in Oklahoma for doctors to lie to their patients. Yes, this is much more important than any other issues going on right now. I wonder what the AMA thinks about this.

In lighter news, Oklahoma looks like a pot. Teehee.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school...or a Chuck E. Cheese.

So, like many an Asian, I'm a fan of the drink. By which I mean that I'm only not considered an alcoholic because some kind (most likely Irish) soul created the "social drinker." By which I mean, I can get 'bliviated at bars. I'm not all that picky, even the dive bars have their qualities, so I'm not exactly all that up on bar etiquette. So, it comes as quite a surprise to me that some bars, in Brooklyn of all places, let babies in. I guess it's kosher since they aren't drinking. Well, presumably some drunk dude ain't pouring beer into their sippie cups.

Which is totally hilarious, but I have no idea who did that.

Babies. Freakin' lightweights.

Personally, I find that dangerous. Not because of health per se, or because somebody's going to accidentally step on a crawling tyke. I mean dangerous for me. When I'm in a bar and I'm trying to stick my dick in anything that moves, well, there are certain assumptions that go along with that. For one, it should be a designated zone, ID only, so I can be sure that everybody in that motherfucker is over 21. I don't have time to be checking that shit.

It's quite simple, if I'm going to get accused of rape, it's not going to be statutory (baby) rape. Even I have standards.

I mean it's loud in there, and you got strangers and weird smells. Keep those babies away. And dogs.

Friday, February 26, 2010

I likes the vag.

I don't play golf. I mean, I've played mini-golf, and I think that Happy Gilmore is one of Adam Sandler's best movies co-starring Carl Weathers, but that doesn't make me a golf fan or a player of the game.

If Tiger Woods is supposed to be a role model, it seems founded on him being a hard working dude with a golf club, not Casey Jones like, but that's another story. Which is why he's so good and a champion and all that. And why he got all those promotional deals.
So why is he apologizing? I mean, to everybody? Yes, he obviously got his shit to take care of with his family, but what's that got to do with me?

If he had been on the 'roids, that's one thing. He didn't do what his "image" was, in other words, he wouldn't actually be a badass golfer. But, that's not what happened. Whatever he did do with all that trim, didn't affect his status as a badass golfer.

He's a cheater, but he didn't cheat at golf.

So he doesn't exactly owe the public anything for viewing him as something other than some guy that hits little white balls really well. Even the ads with his face don't exactly convey more than that.

So he didn't actually let us down, now did he?

Sunday, December 20, 2009


"Every living thing that crawls, flies, or squats in the mud wants to kill you and eat your eyes for jujubes." - Col. Quaritch

Avatar is estimated to have pulled in about $73M domestically over the weekend. That's not bad, but considering how much it cost, anywhere from 300M to 500M, it's not exactly great. That's probably partly to do with how uninspired it seems to be. Admittedly, the CGI is pretty damn great and the 3D is incredible. I mean that in a technical sense, as its used in a more subtle fashion than the usual poke things out at you.

But, one of the main criticisms is that it ultimately tells an incredibly slight and cliched tale. Which isn't altogether untrue. It's FernGully with some Dances with Wolves mixed in. It's rather unsophisticated and everyone's playing an archetype rather than a character. So you basically have the evil human corporations and para-military killfuckers that need to mine a mineral to either earn a profit or power the human empire. In order to accomplish this they decide to killfuck the hell out of the Native American/African Na'vi (which is native with ET taken out). The Na'vi of course are alien hippies with a literal connection to nature in their USB port tipped braids. They jam it into the same in animals and trees and shit to command or communicate with them.

Side note, one of the tests of manhood/hunterhood is to claim an ikran (dragon) as a mount. To do this, you wrestle it to the ground and USB-rape it in order to get it to do what you want. Yeah, I had that reaction too. Also, Jake does this twice. He's a serial dragon USB-rapist.

Back on point, you can throw around White Guilt and shit, but it's mainly humans suck and the native alien hippies are awesome. Which, it has been argued, is simplistic and bad because it's such a weak conflict. Here's the thing though, there's not an insignificant amount of people that can't figure out why the humans didn't just bomb the fuck out of the aliens and steal their shit and stuff. So that's why I think for how simplistic the story was, it pretty much had to. The audience is composed of a large percentage of sociopathic morons. If they can't even understand that it's bad to killfuck a population in order to steal their land, then fuck, no wonder movies are so unsophisticated.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra...then your ass gets sent to jail.

Despite what I said previously, GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra was actually pretty good. It was pretty damn moronic, but still delivered on hard PG-13 action and assorted shenanigans. I'm not the biggest GI Joe fanboy, though I do remember the television show fondly. Which makes it sort of odd that there were those complaining about the movie needing to be grimdark. This is a show, after all, that had a crossdressing ninja breakdancer.

Anyway, since the movie did pretty well, and I'm sure that a sequel is already being talked about, so let's talk about what's necessary for the sequel:
Five Things the next GI Joe movie needs to have
1. More Joes - Seeing Jinx in the background was pretty cool. And Brendan Fraser getting some lines as pseudo-new Sgt. Stone was decent, but I want some more. Especially considering that there was an undersea battle and yet, Shipwreck was nowhere to be found. If there's a forest fire in the movie, will they not have Barbecue?

Thus, I am requiring that there be at least two Joes appear that would fit in with the Village People, the Pit is sort of like the YMCA. For example:

Yes, I'm aware that the Village People only dressed up as sailors for "In the Navy." Work with me people.

2. Radioactive Ninja Fighting a Polar Bear - This isn't that farfetched. There's already a polar bear in the movie, and since ninjas are proven to be badasses, Snake Eyes should fight a polar bear. It's not like it hasn't been done before.

Half of this is already in the first movie. The second movie should be about topping what was done in the first. Thus, glowing ninjas kicking the shit out of an uppity bear.

3. More of the Mummy cast - We already have Brendan Fraser, Arnold Vosloo, and Kevin J. O'Connor, and probably some of the camels. Might I suggest Rachel Weisz as Lady Jaye? And Oded Fehr as Flint?

4. Breakdancing Ninja - Ninjas are badass, but they're also coordinated as hell, despite their tendancy to flip out and kill things. Since we should develop the Snake Eyes character beyond a gimp with ninja skills, he should get some screen time not being the ultimate pervy badass. Especially since he doesn't get to make time with Scarlett. Damn that Ripcord.


5. More of the Asian - In the background of a scene at the Pit you see someone that is probably Jinx. But, considering that there are two black people with the Joes, I think that there should be at least two of the Asian. Which means, yes, Quick Kick.
The John Wayne talking motherfucka, himself.

You can't see it, but he's not wearing any shoes. Because Quick Kick doesn't need shoes.
His introduction in the cartoon was to walk around the Arctic shirtless and barefoot and then kick Storm Shadow's ass.

GI Joe had something like 200 members to combat COBRA, they didn't need any of them. All they needed was to hire this guy. He would have kicked all of their asses, and then slept with the Baronness. Right after cracking walnuts in his butt cheeks and slapping a lion in the face.
That's how badass he is.