GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra...then your ass gets sent to jail.

Despite what I said previously, GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra was actually pretty good. It was pretty damn moronic, but still delivered on hard PG-13 action and assorted shenanigans. I'm not the biggest GI Joe fanboy, though I do remember the television show fondly. Which makes it sort of odd that there were those complaining about the movie needing to be grimdark. This is a show, after all, that had a crossdressing ninja breakdancer.

Anyway, since the movie did pretty well, and I'm sure that a sequel is already being talked about, so let's talk about what's necessary for the sequel:
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Five Things the next GI Joe movie needs to have

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1. More Joes - Seeing Jinx in the background was pretty cool. And Brendan Fraser getting some lines as pseudo-new Sgt. Stone was decent, but I want some more. Especially considering that there was an undersea battle and yet, Shipwreck was nowhere to be found. If there's a forest fire in the movie, will they not have Barbecue?

Thus, I am requiring that there be at least two Joes appear that would fit in with the Village People, the Pit is sort of like the YMCA. For example:

Yes, I'm aware that the Village People only dressed up as sailors for "In the Navy." Work with me people.

2. Radioactive Ninja Fighting a Polar Bear - This isn't that farfetched. There's already a polar bear in the movie, and since ninjas are proven to be badasses, Snake Eyes should fight a polar bear. It's not like it hasn't been done before.

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Half of this is already in the first movie. The second movie should be about topping what was done in the first. Thus, glowing ninjas kicking the shit out of an uppity bear.

3. More of the Mummy cast - We already have Brendan Fraser, Arnold Vosloo, and Kevin J. O'Connor, and probably some of the camels. Might I suggest Rachel Weisz as Lady Jaye? And Oded Fehr as Flint?

4. Breakdancing Ninja - Ninjas are badass, but they're also coordinated as hell, despite their tendancy to flip out and kill things. Since we should develop the Snake Eyes character beyond a gimp with ninja skills, he should get some screen time not being the ultimate pervy badass. Especially since he doesn't get to make time with Scarlett. Damn that Ripcord.


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5. More of the Asian - In the background of a scene at the Pit you see someone that is probably Jinx. But, considering that there are two black people with the Joes, I think that there should be at least two of the Asian. Which means, yes, Quick Kick.
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The John Wayne talking motherfucka, himself.
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You can't see it, but he's not wearing any shoes. Because Quick Kick doesn't need shoes.
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His introduction in the cartoon was to walk around the Arctic shirtless and barefoot and then kick Storm Shadow's ass.



GI Joe had something like 200 members to combat COBRA, they didn't need any of them. All they needed was to hire this guy. He would have kicked all of their asses, and then slept with the Baronness. Right after cracking walnuts in his butt cheeks and slapping a lion in the face.
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That's how badass he is.

Yep, that's about right.

The thing about racism, especially now, is that it tends to be about extremes. The extreme KKK style racism is pretty much an outcast, and the people that follow, even though there are still far too many, are not exactly looked highly upon by society as a whole. On the other side, it's subtle and forced to be in the metaphorical shadows since it wouldn't exactly be looked highly upon by society as a whole. Partly because of ignorance, and partly because you can't exactly show it.

Which means it's kinda hilarious (bad I know) when it shows up in such an obvious manner. Take this recent case:

"More than 60 campers from Northeast Philadelphia were turned away from a private swim club and left to wonder if their race was the reason."

Admittedly, the article's mostly one-sided in terms of a bunch of black kids getting turned away from a private swim club where they had membership. Still, this quote from the club's president just takes the cake.

"There was concern that a lot of kids would change the complexion … and the atmosphere of the club" - John Duesler

I mean seriously? Can you be anymore obvious? I'd think that if you're racist, especially in a situation where it's going to get press, that you'd at least try to hide it. Or if you're not, you wouldn't want to make a stupid mistake and look it.

I have to say that it does tickle me a little how badly it was handled.

Written and Directed By

So, how many BET Awards will this win?

America's Promise

Back in the '80s and early '90s we used to have awesome neighborhood video rental places. You'd find all sorts of crap to view, much of the time based on how awesomely bad or badly awesome the cover was. These were the sorts of places where I discovered Robot Jox and Deepstar Six. It's also where I got stuff like Rambo, and Die Hard, though I saw Die Hard 2 on laserdisc. Ah laserdisc, those were the days.

Anyway, back in the day we did have guys like Schwarzenegger and Jet Li, but we also had Stallone and Bruce Willis. We had Seagal and Chuck "The Beard" Norris. In other word, men's men. American men starring in the greatest action movies ever. Seriously, Invasion USA will put hair on your chest.

So what the fuck happened? Now all the heir apparents to the manly men of American action movies are coming from other places that aren't America. Sure, I got a lot of love for Tony "I will break your face on my knee" Jaa and Jason "Crank 2" Statham. But where's the next big American action star? Christian Bale? Not American. Sam Worthington? Not American.

Shia "Fucking" Labeouf. Seriously, he was just in what I imagine was the top grossing action movie of the year, and he's the guy that gets killed in movies so you know that the shit just got real. I mean seriously. Remember Orlando Bloom? Remember how much of a travesty it was that Eric Bana's character in Troy got killed for his ass?

What happened to real American action heroes? GI Joe doesn't count, because it looks moronically stupid. Sorry Tatum.

It's like America has developed a generation of pussies. Where kids no longer get into fist fights at school. Bullies have free reign as long as they don't get caught. The kids that should just get fed up and throw a punch now just fester until they bring guns to school. When alcoholism and beating on your kids is no longer acceptable behavior, you develop a generation of pussies instead of men. If we're supposed to be the world's cowboys, then why the hell are our leading men all a bunch of little bitches?

















And that's why we have Shia "Fucking" Labeouf as the "action hero." And why the girls all dig Zack Efron.

Damn Right.

Do you know why this is awesome?



Because Winston was always the most awesome ghostbuster.














That's why.

It's your own fault now.

I understand that language is highly fluid. And that in terms of racial language, or racist terminology would was okay in the past isn't okay now. Or that some terms are appropriated by a race, but can't/shouldn't be used by others. But, there's also just asking for trouble.

Gazprom and Nigeria's NNPC are going to invest in joint venture energy concern in Nigeria. It's to be called...Nigaz.

Of all the names, this is the one that had to be chosen. Admittedly, it's probably something like NIgeria GAZprom. Still, this is not making it easier for the rest of us. Thanks Nigeria. In addition to your hundreds of princes in need of monetary support, you gots to play a guy like this.

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better

Remember rap? Or hip-hop? Admittedly I was never too into that scene, sorry AP yellow parka wearing douchebags, you were always losers. And taking pride in your race will never make you not a loser. Your parents drop you into a house by yourselves with no supervision because they're still back in Asia and you occupy your time trying to act hard and gangsta? You were richer than I was motherfucker, what kind of hustling did you ever have to do? Fuck you. And fuck you Dat Phan, just because.

Remember how rap used to be edgy and cool? How the blacks, or African-Americans, to not be offensive, made this "Against the Man" music that was different from what the mainstream was listening to. It really spoke to those downtrodden, I imagine typically urban, kids, that's what I get from one of VH1's documentaries at least. Anyway, the kids weren't necessarily black, but let's face it, how many white rappers were there in the early days? And Beastie Boys don't count. They started as a punk group.

And, they're Jewish.

Anyway, rap has become like a big fuck you to black people. No really. What's one of the most popular rap/hip-hop songs right now? "I Love College."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xt6t5TTuk5Q

Yeah, instead of talking of hustling, how life be all hard and shit, and/or pimping, rap is now about how awesome college is. Because it is. Sex and booze and drugs (weed only), but with people that actually can put themselves together long enough to make a noon class. To be fair, that shit ain't easy.

Oh, and the video has a scene with beer pong in it.

It's like the Man took all the gritty and hard aspects of rap and hip-hop and turned it on its head as a big FU to black people. Know how the main consumers are surbuban white kids? Yeah, this is the next step. Suburban white kids making rap. Rap is now safe.

And this guy is the face of it:

































I'm not black nor white, but I am sorry. I am so very sorry. For you black people.