Fast, Good, Cheap

For fuck's sake Fox, get it together.





What kind of cheap-ass bullshit is that?

I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school...or a Chuck E. Cheese.

So, like many an Asian, I'm a fan of the drink. By which I mean that I'm only not considered an alcoholic because some kind (most likely Irish) soul created the "social drinker." By which I mean, I can get 'bliviated at bars. I'm not all that picky, even the dive bars have their qualities, so I'm not exactly all that up on bar etiquette. So, it comes as quite a surprise to me that some bars, in Brooklyn of all places, let babies in. I guess it's kosher since they aren't drinking. Well, presumably some drunk dude ain't pouring beer into their sippie cups.

Which is totally hilarious, but I have no idea who did that.

Babies. Freakin' lightweights.

Personally, I find that dangerous. Not because of health per se, or because somebody's going to accidentally step on a crawling tyke. I mean dangerous for me. When I'm in a bar and I'm trying to stick my dick in anything that moves, well, there are certain assumptions that go along with that. For one, it should be a designated zone, ID only, so I can be sure that everybody in that motherfucker is over 21. I don't have time to be checking that shit.

It's quite simple, if I'm going to get accused of rape, it's not going to be statutory (baby) rape. Even I have standards.

I mean it's loud in there, and you got strangers and weird smells. Keep those babies away. And dogs.

Avatarded

"Every living thing that crawls, flies, or squats in the mud wants to kill you and eat your eyes for jujubes." - Col. Quaritch

Avatar is estimated to have pulled in about $73M domestically over the weekend. That's not bad, but considering how much it cost, anywhere from 300M to 500M, it's not exactly great. That's probably partly to do with how uninspired it seems to be. Admittedly, the CGI is pretty damn great and the 3D is incredible. I mean that in a technical sense, as its used in a more subtle fashion than the usual poke things out at you.

But, one of the main criticisms is that it ultimately tells an incredibly slight and cliched tale. Which isn't altogether untrue. It's FernGully with some Dances with Wolves mixed in. It's rather unsophisticated and everyone's playing an archetype rather than a character. So you basically have the evil human corporations and para-military killfuckers that need to mine a mineral to either earn a profit or power the human empire. In order to accomplish this they decide to killfuck the hell out of the Native American/African Na'vi (which is native with ET taken out). The Na'vi of course are alien hippies with a literal connection to nature in their USB port tipped braids. They jam it into the same in animals and trees and shit to command or communicate with them.

Side note, one of the tests of manhood/hunterhood is to claim an ikran (dragon) as a mount. To do this, you wrestle it to the ground and USB-rape it in order to get it to do what you want. Yeah, I had that reaction too. Also, Jake does this twice. He's a serial dragon USB-rapist.

Back on point, you can throw around White Guilt and shit, but it's mainly humans suck and the native alien hippies are awesome. Which, it has been argued, is simplistic and bad because it's such a weak conflict. Here's the thing though, there's not an insignificant amount of people that can't figure out why the humans didn't just bomb the fuck out of the aliens and steal their shit and stuff. So that's why I think for how simplistic the story was, it pretty much had to. The audience is composed of a large percentage of sociopathic morons. If they can't even understand that it's bad to killfuck a population in order to steal their land, then fuck, no wonder movies are so unsophisticated.

No Shit, Sherlock.

I have quite a few DVD's, all acquired legally. I know that there's some stuff, disclaimers and the like, that are shown in front of the movie on them. It's fast and it's probably a CYA type of thing. I'm fine with that.

However, this annoys the hell out of me:









Seriously? I already legally bought the freakin' DVD. You're going to lecture me on not pirating movies or buying pirated movies? That's damned patronizing, movie studios.

How about a thank you for buying it legally and giving you money instead?

In truth, I think that the Somali pirates that are hijacking vessels and ransoming off the crew need this message more than me.

Slightly inebriated in Hermosa

I'm in Hermosa and I guess I didn't get the memo that St. Patrick's Day started three days early. Which means that the streets are filled with white people in green. I'm pretty sure they're not all Irish, and just using this as an excuse to drink. That's bullshit. You shouldn't need an excuse to drink; and you're a loser if you do. I may be alcoholic, but at least I'm an honest alcoholic.

It's an embarrassment. Do these D-bags drink on every ethnic holiday using it as an excuse? Cinco de Mayo? Si. Martin Luther King Jr. Day? I bet these guys pour a forty in the gutter for their fallen homie.

Fuck these guys. If you're ambiguously white, be ambiguously white. Don't try to be the Koreans of Europe.  They got it tough enough as it without your pasty douche ass.

I used to live by one, that gives me cred

I used to live by a Ranch 99. For those that don't know, that's an Asian supermarket. Since it was so close, I tended to go grocery shopping there (lazy and poor). Anyway, all the time that I was there, I've never seen anybody white shop there. Or rather, I've never seen anybody bring their white kids in there. At times there would be a few white folks, but they tended to be elderly. Not that it would be inappropriate for the whites to go in there, but they'd all go to the PW down the street, or the Costco across the street. Seriously, totally not making that up.

Anyway, this is hilarious:



Honestly, what the hell? Chinese commercial in Chinese, and the "romantic interest" is played by a white dude? Seriously? I have no problem with white guys with Asian chicks, but I find it kinda odd that it would be the default for a freaking commerical for Chinese people. More so that it's forced since I've never seen a white kid in an Asian grocery store. They randomly bump into each other in the store? Utter nonsense. That's some major game playin' there.

And it ends with, "captures authentic Asian flavor." Yeah, I bet you do 8 year old white boy. Probably went to med school and everything; only reason why her mom would let this relationship fly. Just sayin'.

Pinkerton Syndrome. Just sayin'.

Coming to America

The California Supreme Court is currently weighing on the ban on same-sex marriages created by the passing of Proposition 8. Now, there's a legal process and all, and if one believes the system works, then we would need to let it play out. That's not to say that people shouldn't speak out, but one hopes that the Courts play it the right way.

As for me, if this is wrong:

then I don't want to be right.

No, I'm Not Required to Like Ang Lee's Movies

I once took a film class in college that focused on Asian films. Which meant that I had to see the majority of Ang Lee's films, up to that point in time. Which meant that I saw Pushing Hands, The Wedding Banquet, Eat Drink Man Woman, The Ice Storm, Ride with the Devil, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Since then, I've also seen The Hulk, and Chosen, which was his short for The Hire short film series for BMW.

Which means I haven't seen Sense and Sensibility, Brokeback Mountain, and Lust, Caution. That said, I think that I've seen enough of the movies that he's directed to be able to form an opinion on his work. In light of the nature of this blog, I'll focus on his movies that focus on Asians. By which I mean, star Asians, which is good and all, but not the point here.
















I think they were well-made movies that may speak to the Asian/American experience in a number of ways. Well-made meaning he functions well as a director. I still didn't particularly like the movies that much. While I'm sure that there is a jarring transition for an immigrant to have to move to the United States, as well as the generational conflict, I just couldn't get into Pushing Hands that much. Not to get too detailed, I can speak to some experience with this. The point is that while it is an intimate portrayal of a family's struggle, there isn't necessarily a universal Asian truth in this. Nor should there be one.

Maybe it's backlash, but no, this movie does not speak to my experience. Even with grandparents that come to visit and can stay for quite a while. And I should not be expected to connect to the film as if there was some universal Asian truth to it, as if they/we were all the same.

As for The Wedding Banquet, well I seriously question the underlying assumption that being gay in the film is somehow wrong. So the main character, in order to protect his parents' sensibilities marries a woman, instead of coming out that he's gay and in a committed relationship. Now yes, there's a generation gap, and yes I do think that respect for parents is important, but if they're homophobes, that's their fucking problem. Not (looking up in imdb) Wei Tung's. Okay, it was 1993, but still, I'm told that even then, the gays were here, they were queer, and I believe we were instructed to get used to it. Being old is no excuse for being bigoted, even if it's perhaps a less violent form. This isn't Lakeview Terrace now. So, thanks a lot Ang Lee for portraying the older generation of Asians as homophobic, and the newer generation of Asian-Americans as pussies unwilling to buck Asian tradition for what's right.

Or maybe it's just these particular ones. Depending on if you think Ang Lee's films are supposed to speak to some sort of Asian or Asian-American truthiness.

I didn't have any real objections to Eat Drink Man Woman (aka the other Tortilla Soup), mainly because I can't really remember it that much.

Which leads me to the movie that perhaps catapulted him to widespread public awareness, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I'm not going to argue about how it was shot or choreographed, even if I did have to analyze a scene in shot by shot detail for class. There is an ambiguity to the characters so that we were to believe that Jen Yu is more than a self-centered brat. Now, maybe this is the Americanist side of my Asian-Americanist perspective coming out, but there was a failing in that. To me at least. I never bought it and never felt real sympathy for her causing a good deal of the shit that happens because she screws up. Yeah, beat up a bunch of guys in a bar, I'm sure they all totally deserved it because you want to be all emo and everything. Do you think she listens to Dashboard Confessional played on the erhu too?

And while Li Mu-bai and Yu Shu-lien may have had some type of warrior wuxia code, they would have been much happier ignoring that, especially since Li was planning on retiring anyways.

Yes, this is in the source material presumably, so I can't completely blame Ang Lee, but still, the tragedy of this film/book comes from the characters inability to deal with their issues and/or get over themselves. It's historical, but this doesn't exactly speak to me as some grand statement on "Asianness."

Oh, and the events of Iron Knight, Silver Vase, makes Jen Yu's character come off even worse for me. Thanks for nothing Crane-Iron Pentalogy.

My point? Just because Ang Lee is Asian and makes movies about Asians, doesn't mean that they have to speak to me as an Asian-American. And, the other Asians that were in my class, don't be so surprised that I felt that way. I grew up in the Bay Area, and while I grew up on a steady diet of Jackie Chan and Jet Li movies, it doesn't mean that there is some grand Asian message that I buy in Ang Lee's movies. More importantly, it doesn't mean that I have to defend the films nor that I can't criticize them if I don't particularly like the movies.

And despite his race, I don't feel the particular need to promote Ang Lee as if I did like all of his "Asian" films. Just because he's one of my people doesn't mean he's one of my people.

Smoking - Mind Your Own Business

I enjoy cigarettes, especially with some alcohol, good company and/or after a protein-heavy meal. For those of you who give me dirty looks and make it a point to do a fake cough and wave your hand back and forth (as if to wave away the smell), f* you.

I remember when I was on a business trip and I lit one up in front of a name-less person who happens to be on the verge of obese, she said "ew, don't go near me," I really wanted to say, "You know what bitch, I didn't say at dinner that you probably should have gone with the salad instead of the cheeseburger" but I didn't right? Because it is none of my business whether your arteries get clogged with fat so it shouldn't be any of your business whether I smoke a cigarette. Would you like it if every time you got a second serving of that chocolate cake, I yelled "Oh I wouldn't do that if I were you, how about a celery stick instead?"

Or once when I met someone who just had about the worst fashion taste ever, and they saw me light up and said "You know that could kill you right" Well, I didn't say, "Well, how about shopping at Nordstrom's next time and not Mervyns?"

If you happen to be that person who makes a big stink when you see someone light up, think about your actions. Because I don't want to hear s* from you unless you are God.

Moderately Perturbed Asian Man

Since this site wasn't set up until now, this is a little late. By now I'm sure that 35.6% of bloggers have already weighed in on the Miley Cyrus Asian controversy. By which I mean, the fact that someone is suing Miley Cyrus for four BIIIIILLLLIOOOOON dollars. That's like $4,000 per Asian person in LA County.

Although, four thousand dollars buys a lot of Asian porn. Just sayin'.

This is the picture in question:

Now, the whole slanty eyes with the fingers thing is moronic. And, this is no contest because the second guy from the left totally wins at best impression. But, without further context, like say Miley refusing to work with Asians (she worked with Brenda Song), this is less a case of racism as it is Miley being a stupid kid.

Stupid because the thing is dumb and she allowed it to be photographed. And kid because kids rag on each other over anything and everything. Race being an easy target, doesn't make them racist. Hell, I've seen guys rag on each other being gay as much as I've seen the same guys talk about doing other guys. It's what kids do.

Honestly, there are issues that one, Asian or not, should get angry about, but this isn't one of them. Miley Cyrus is being singled out because she's rich (probably not four billion dollars rich though). I mean, it's not like the guy second from the left is getting sued. Lucie J. Kim isn't helping anyone.

I mean, clearly Miley isn't racist towards Asians:

Or else her friends have gotten a lot better at impersonations.